I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
