If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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