Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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