thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
