That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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