he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
