I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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