We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
