i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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