Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
