oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
