I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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