If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
