my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
