you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
