I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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