You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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