You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
