the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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