filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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