Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
