i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
