I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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