Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
