You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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