He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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