Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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