Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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