I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
