Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Let's get the cat blown out
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
