Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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