theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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