when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
