Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
