I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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