I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i think my cat just said my name.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
