Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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