you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
