I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm just crazy horny about you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
