remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
