Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
