I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
