I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
