If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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