yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
