She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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