This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
