I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
