it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
jump out the window naked night went bad
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
