I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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