I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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