So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
