is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
