Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
