he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
