Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we're making bets on your personal life
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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