the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
