I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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