After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize