I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
