I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Randomize
