He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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