worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
