I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
