hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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